I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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