When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
