I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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