i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
