Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
