Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Found the puke drawer
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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