Four minutes until I can fart!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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