So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
