seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
