I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need water and some morals
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
