I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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