can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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