I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
