OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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