If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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