You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
