Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
