i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I could fuck to npr.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
