Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
