i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
