How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
