Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
