Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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