they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
