For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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