when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
