im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
