I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
