Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I stole a fireplace last night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
