In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
