Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
