I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
