I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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