Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
