I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
