There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am never drinking with the goths again.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize