hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Randomize
