yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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