So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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