First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
