I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
