I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
