I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
