Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
