Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
