Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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