nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
