what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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