and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
