Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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