Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
