I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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