it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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