someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
