it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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