i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
