There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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