i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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