Ambien. No doubt about it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
