you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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