Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
