She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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