Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
