tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
